May 3, 2013
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Last doctor visit
Recently I have been feeling bad about not being able to feel happy. I asked to up my depression medication with my doctor. Yeah I suffer from Depression. It is a genetic thing I think. My earliest memories are seeing my mom cry and not want to get out of bed. I think back now and I think she was bi-polar. Really she had so many ups and downs it was like living in a three ring circus growing up with her. She took most of her aggression out on me being the oldest girl. She couldn’t be angry with my dad but she let me have it when she was mad at him. It made a very unhealthy relationship.
I always was a moody kid too when I wasn’t being scared and shy. I really hated life growing up and wished everyday I was a normal middle class white girl. To me they always looked happy. I would escape in an imaginary world where I picked who I was and no one could change that person unless I willed it. Yeah it sounds weird but It is how I coped. I got over that in my teen years and found that my heritage to be a source of pride I didn’t have in myself alone. I found strength in knowing how my ancestors lived so I could exist. It gave me a purpose in life even though I still struggled pretty badly with depression.
When I had my second child, it was the first time a medical professional cared how I felt, when I had a (normal to me) crying jag in the hospital bathroom. Later I realized the doctors were really scared I would hurt my baby with postpartum depression. Oh so It wasn’t me again.
Ha! I was told to talk to my doctor who put me on Lexapro. It was the first time I felt Normal. The first time I could actually say I feel good and like getting up in the morning. I was so glad to be on them.The last 12 years I have been on and off meds. At times I can cut back but it never fails in spring I get a depression problem. It isn’t like I am suicidal or anything but when I should be happy I can’t feel it. Even when happy things are happening to me. I learned to mask it well and I noticed my horrible negative attitude was coming back. I have to be my best advocate I learned be cause with all my coping mechanisms in place it didn’t help me face the real problem. I am depressed again.
It is really a disease and my doctor said that if anyone should know it best it would be me. That I should not feel guilty when I need help or need my meds. I was depressed I was depressed again! ha! MD is so great and she encourages me so much.
Why
I am spilling my beans about this is because I know that many people suffer from this and don’ t get help. I wish they would and stop feeling upset about not being able to control their own feelings when it clearly isn’t their fault.
Comments (8)
I see we kind of had similar experiences growing up. I wasn’t happy with about I looked white and I would have rather looked like Native, like some other people in my life. I just know that looking white doesn’t guarantee acceptance or that people will even like you. Looking white doesn’t stop racism either. I had a lot of not such good experiences in my teen years, but I am happy with myself now, even if I don’t look Native. I know who I am and what I am and that’s what matters.
I am glad you get help for your depression. Like you said, a lot of people don’t. I think it is because they are afraid people will look at them like they are crazy.
@Shining_Garnet - yes i was discriminated for being too white looking for the Native Reservation we lived on as a teen. It helped me get over that idea. I think as a child it was TV all you ever saw was Caucasisn families. That changed more in the 80′s.
Thank you!
It’s good that you’re able to recognize the symptoms in yourself. I’ve suffered from depression and its cousin, anxiety, since adulthood, so I can relate.
I am recommending this Judith. It is a very important topic and so common as an ‘illness’. There are excellent medications for it. I used to prescribe Lexapro to many of my young patients who had problem with depression. I am happy that you recognize this and are able to openly talk about it.
I am sorry you were the scapegoat for your mother’s mood changes. love and hugs to you.
@gottobereal64 - glad to have friends who understand. Thank you.
@ZSA_MD - i just try and not do like my mom. Lesson learned are sometimes the hardest. Thank you for your Rec. thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
You’re right-many people suffer from depression and don’t get help.
@KarensPotpourri2 - It is so common I think it is environmental pollution that is causing it. Thanks!